Extreme Canada Day Inebriation
I love National holidays because you get a day off work (paid if they’re not dicks about it) and the entire country usually holds hands and gets all fucked up together. Except maybe in Québec, things aren’t as easy going over here. Every year on July 1st (for those who don’t know when Canada Day is) my buddies and I join forces and get completely trashed and it usually turns out to be an absolute shit-show. The venues change from year to year, a few years ago we partied in Ottawa with Jim Lahey and Randy of Trailer Park Boys, but the general ideology is to drink as many beers as you can and stumble around yelling incoherently and hugging strangers. The summer of 2004 was no different.
Half of my buddies went to Ottawa for the Canada Day festivities leaving me, BrownTown and the Ukraine on our own. Early in the afternoon, they came over to my place with a couple of 2-4’s and we set up in my backyard.
Afternoon drinking is a fickle whore. I don’t know what it is but having early beers tags me hard and usually means a mess of a night. That afternoon, we drank like fishes. I have a pretty big backyard so we kicked a soccer ball around, threw baseballs at each other, played Frisbee, some volleyball, we invented retarded games all while falling into deeper and deeper drunken disarray. My mother was home and much to her horror, she witnessed us slowly regressing back into the early Neanderthals stages of evolution. Despite her valiant attempts at feeding us, forcing us to drink water and straight up asking us why the hell we felt it was necessary to drink as much as we were, we pressed on into severe retardation.
At around 6 or 7 (I think, a lot’s happened since then) one of the Ukraine’s friends, Barbie popped in. We were all shit-canned, slumping around my backyard like winos beaten into submission by alcohol, so she looked a little let down. Apparently we had promised to go out and party that night. I remembered none of these promises but hey, when in Rome. Our drunken bliss was running low and we felt the need to do something athletic. We settled on soccer because we were clearly masters of coordination at this point. I know it’s not politically correct but I can’t find another way to describe us lurching around my backyard trying to kick a ball. It was pretty much the Special Olympics except Special Olympians would have kicked our asses.
Then, out of nowhere, tragedy struck. As I was stumbling around with my head down trying desperately to kick the fucking ball without falling, I completely destroyed Barbie. I was like a bull. Head to head collision and she went down, hard. Being drunk, I felt nothing but she was rattled. She was good sport about it but clearly her night would not be the same now that she absorbed a vicious shot to the head. We finished our beers and got ready to leave. I put on a jesters hat with Maple Leafs and an “I am Canadian” T-shirt, threw on some jeans and left for the bar. The only reason I could possibly think of as to why I can remember any of this is thanks to my mother and all her fruits and water. If only she’d known that keeping us healthy and hydrated meant we’d get even more drunk for longer periods of time. Had she left me alone, I would’ve passed out hours ago.
We hopped into Barbie’s 4x4 and went to this place called Cheers in Pointe-Claire, which is now closed and turned into a suit store. We got there and were let into bar immediately despite the obvious fact we were wrecked. BrownTown immediately started dancing and the Ukraine went with Barbie to talk to some acquaintances. I stumbled to the bar and ordered a double rum and coke. I knew people around the bar but I was so incredibly wasted that raising my head and focusing on one thing alone was already asking too much. I just slouched at the bar in my ridiculous jester hat and sucked my rum and coke through a straw.
At one point, I saw BrownTown in the corner dead to the world. The Ukraine was talking to some chicks and he was drunk-hoola hooping up a storm. I was completely numb. I stumbled to the bathroom and went right into a stall and sat down. I rarely, and I mean rarely, ever throw up. I make myself puke from time to time for the greater good but it’s very rare I throw up uncontrollably. This time was one of those times I had no control over. I got up and unleashed hell. I was disgusted at the volume I was letting out. In between heaving I remember thinking how impressed I was. Once I finished, I was no longer impressed. I had puke all over my shirt. So I had to take it off and flush it down the toilet. I clogged the toilet. I ran out of the stall and back into the bar to try and locate one of my friends to tell them we had to split.
How would you react to a clearly drunken shirtless asshole wearing a stupid (epic depending on your tastes) hat half running half falling around a crowded bar? Well, the bouncers reacted poorly, immediately grabbing me and walking me outside. Lady luck was on my side that night as all my friends were outside smoking. BrownTown was fucked out of his tree, lying in the plants and the Ukraine was visibly drunk but tame. Barbie ushered us into her 4x4 (BrownTown and I in the trunk) and drove to McDicks. We stayed in the truck as they went to order food. Leaving us alone together was a mistake.
Parked outside McDonald’s was a squad car and two cops having some food. So, BrownTown and I popped our heads out of the sun roof and began berating them. He was speaking English, I was yelling in French and they just looked at us like we were completely out of our minds. I’m sure they were wondering why these two drunken assholes were yelling at authority figures, capable of making their lives incredibly difficult in the span of five short minutes. I don’t know if they yelled back at us but Barbie came back during our outburst and sweet talked the cops into leaving us alone.
On our way home, Browntown and I were entrusted with sharing our fries and not making a mess in the back. We failed miserably as we had a fry fight then fought each other to eat the fries scattered around the trunk we had been throwing at each other. The night ended in a cloud of mystery and I woke up with my legs in bed and my head on the ground with twigs in my hair. I suppose it could’ve been worse.