Dangerous Happy Hour Leads to Unfortunate Situations for the General Public
A few weeks ago was St-Patty's day weekend which meant the entire world united and drank dangerous amounts of alcohol while dressed up as leprechauns. It culminated on Sunday when the parade hit the streets of Montreal in an impressive public display of degenerative behaviour. This was not the case for me since God fucking hates me and robbed me of electricity during the night, which made me miss my early morning alarm and the parade. But I'm not here to point fingers, instead I'll tell you about the stupidity I was embroiled in the Friday night of that magical weekend, which might have rivalled anything I could have pulled off that Sunday.
After work, The Real Deal and I met up with co-workers at Le Vieux Dublin, downtown, for some 4:30 pm cocktails. The pub is literally connected to our work so we'd be real assholes not to have some beers whenever possible. Dimsum and Wade were on their way to meet us so we could go to some McGill engineering party where drinks were retarded cheap. The Dublin's alright for a few pints but that's where it ends. The Real Deal, Dimsum and Wade left at around 6ish for McGill while I stayed at the Dublin, pummelling pints like a mad man.
I finally left at around 7pm to meet up with my friends at the McGill "Rainbow Unicorn party". Yes, it was as gay as it sounded BUT beers were something silly like $2.25 each and there were dollar shots. Gathered in that basement was arguably every dipshit bookworm I had ever picked on in my life. I don't mind highly intelligent people, they're gifted and I can respect that but throw them into social situations and it's as awkward a scene as any. At this point Bendy met up with us (I think it was there) and we were all settling into a lethal drunken state. The alcohol was so fucking cheap it was impossible to not get completely shit canned, except for the group of guys in the corner building a house out of cards, they were just hopeless losers. Or promising young engineers, whichever way you want to look at it.
At 10pm everything shut down. That's correct. 10pm. No more booze for sale. Nothing. Get out. Super. Now The Real Deal, Dimsum, Wade and Bendy (maybe Poupoulaki, she was there at some point that night) headed to a Depanneur for some King Cans then back to McGill to sit around like hippies and drink beer. I harassed people for a light since I had either lost my lighter or given it to someone during some bout of drunken confusion. We stayed around McGill until our beers were done and stumbled towards Bishop and The Irish Embassy pub. Once inside, things began spinning out of control. Within minutes of ordering our beers, The Real Deal noticed Tim Thomas and Dan Paille of the Boston Bruins sitting a few feet from us. The Bruins were playing our beloved Habs the next afternoon so it made sense in our fragile drunken minds as to why they may be in town.
I immediately ordered a few shots of Jack Daniels so that I could go offer one to him. I thought I should try and get him upside down drunk and throw off his game the next day (he didn't even start). He immediately saw through me and said he'd have a beer instead. Son of a bitch bastard! I hammered back a shot, gave the other one away and chatted up the hockey players. Pretty cool guys considering they were dealing with people that had been piss drunk for nearly 7 hours. More shots and beers were drunk on my part and then...I don't know.
I completely blacked out. I spoke to Dimsum the next day and he told me The Real Deal got tossed from the bar after a light skirmish with DL, a mutual friend who was already at the bar. What follows is the non-edited transcript of Bendy, who had the pleasure of babysitting me for the next few hours.
“You met me and DL on the street and you were heading home alone so I offered to drive you from the bus stop. You were trying to leave when DL disappeared because you didn’t want to look around for her. Once we found out where she was, we headed to the metro. You were telling me about how you were trying to get Tim Thomas drunk to throw off his game and he was onto you and thought you were clever.
When we got off at Lionel-Groulx, you were walking up the stairs and fell forward, paused for a few seconds, and then went on as though nothing had happened. I laughed and asked if you were okay and you said yes quite sternly. On the escalators, you asked me where everyone else was and I had to explain to you that they all stayed at the bar.
We got on the bus and sat at the back in the four seaters. You were facing forward to the bus and sitting in the aisle seat (make sense?) I was sitting across from you and there were two people sitting next to the window. You weren’t very coherent and you were swaying from side to side, nudging the guy next to you. He looked annoyed which prompted me to apologize on your behalf. He was understanding and just went on chuckling at your behaviour. You would doze off from time to time and then would wake up to ask about my sister or to make some small talk. You would also make weird faces at your reflection in the window, which almost made it seem as though you were making faces to guys next to us.
You would lean in closer and closer to the guy next to you until at one point you had your head resting on his shoulder. He sort of pushed you off and said “You’re in my space man. That’s yours space, this is mine”. You gave him a confused look and said “You’re not Dim Sum”. You looked around and then at me and said “Where’s Dim Sum?” I explained to you once again that he was still at the bar. You apologized to the guy and then laughed, made some faces and fell back asleep.
Not too long after that, the bus took a sharp turn and you ended up in the aisle. Since the bus was still full, there were people sitting in those three seats that were facing our seats. Their feet ended up stopping you from rolling around. Everyone laughed and you just laid there on your back not knowing what had happened. I had to tell you around 5 or 6 times to get up and even kicked you a bit (all the while laughing hysterically!) You got up and mouthed something about the bus driver not knowing how to drive. I knew one of the guys who broke your fall and he asked me “Is this your boyfriend???” I laughed and said “NO!” (No offense! Haha). You went back to sleep with your mouth wide out open. Lovely. lol
You were still swaying into the guy next to you, so when someone got off their seat that had no one next to it, I told you to sit there so that you wouldn’t bother anyone. You obviously refused so I told the guy next to you that we could switch seats and he said no. I think he liked the attention you were giving him. He wasn’t easy on the eyes, so you snuggling with him was probably the most attention he’s gotten in a while.
Everyone in the back of the bus had left. The bus took another sharp turn and once again, you ended up on the floor. However this time, you rolled under the three seats (no one was there to break your fall!). You laid there on your stomach with me kicking you to get up (still laughing at you). I was worried you were going to hit your head under the seat once you would get up but I didn’t say anything to you about it because it would be funnier (ha!). You finally got up after about a minute and your beige pants were all dirty. You again mentioned the bad driving skills the bus driver had but you said it really loud as if you wanted the driver to know.
We were almost in Beaconsfield when you started to talk about driving home. I argued with you not too and then had to lure you to my car by saying you could meet my sister. Your reasoning for driving was that it was a straight road and that nobody would be there. I said I would drive you to your car at the train and then you could go. You finally agreed to get in my car (I sound like a kidnapper! I have cute puppies in my car!) So you got in my car and you were quiet. You weren’t saying much until you started asking my sister some basic questions (age, where do you work, why aren’t you out tonight...bla bla). And then you told her the Tim Thomas story and how drunk you were (you were talking with your eyes closed). You then told her about the time you woke up in someone else’s minivan and had your clothes all laid out for you. We all had a good laugh at your expense.
We get to your house and as we pull in the driveway you say “Oh no, L---’s here (editor’s note; my mother). I’m in big trouble”. You used a serious/ worried tone which made it funnier. You told us to drive away quickly to not see you stumble around and try and open the door. Obviously, we stayed and watched in hopes of you having some trouble but were disappointed because you opened your door with ease. As we drove away, my sister said “He’s funny. Is he always like this?” “Yes, yes he is little sister.””
It’s a miracle I still have any friends.