The Cancun Chronicles I

A few years ago, the fellas and I organized a trip to Cancun. Somehow we managed to get 8 of us, despite work and educational commitments, to fly out to Mexico together and embark on a heavy drinking extravaganza for an entire week. Among the eight were The Real Deal, DMilz, Dimsum, CG13, the Ukraine, NardStar, MCF and myself. We booked rooms at the Oasis Cancun which was rumoured to be the shit-show destination for savage drunks and all around depraved behaviour. We pretty much got destroyed every night but only a few of the stories will be showcased here for reasons I refuse to discuss. It's a miracle I remember anything at all after the mental and physical abuse I put my body and brain cells through. This episode happened about halfway through the trip.
 
The way it worked for us in Cancun was that every second night we would go out and hit a bar, do a pub crawl, whatever. We paid a fixed amount of money for three guaranteed nights of guided debauchery by some thieving locals. On the off nights, we would pummel drinks at the sports bar at the resort until it closed at midnight, then break out our own bottles of booze and keep cranking it out until the early hours. The night of this adventure was on one of those off nights. During the day we hit the beach and then the pool in the afternoon, working up to a decent drunk. I had to be careful since the first day we got there I got completely hammered at 4pm and couldn't even get out of the kiddie pool. We usually took a power nap then came down to the bar for 8ish to start the boozing.
 
That day we had gone to Wal-Mart and bought a fuckload of booze (yes, they sell hard liquor at Wal-Mart in Mexico) for dirt cheap. I think a bottle of Bailey's, a 40oz bottle of Smirnoff vodka and some bottles of wine came out to $30-$40 max. Anyways, we sat at a table and started getting shit-wrecked. CG13 had wandered off for a walk on the beach (don't ask, he's a free spirit) and found some girl from New York. He recruited her to our table and we all hammered all the free alcohol we could. I was busy decorating myself with tassels and little Mexican flags because they were everywhere and I was wasted, so it seemed like a decent idea at the time. Turns out it was Mexican Independence day or some kind of important holiday for these people so seeing a gringo brazenly decorating himself in their colours and acting like a fool was insulting to anyone with Mexican lineage. I felt bad for disgracing them but then I had another drink and forgot all about it.
 
We tried going to the disco in our resort but it was a cash bar and it was fucking dead, not worth a single one of our hard earned dollars. It was well past midnight so we ripped up to our room and grabbed our bottles to bring down to the closed sports bar and continue demolishing our livers. We met some British guys with a plastic snake that MCF took a liking to, so they joined us. What happened for the next few hours was unparalleled stupidity. Eventually people started heading back to their rooms until only CG13, New York Girl and me were left. After some time of gargled conversation, she had enough and excused herself to her room. This left CG13 and me all alone, which is a recipe for disaster. Other than BrownTown, CG13 is an expert at getting me to drink my face off to my full potential and then watch me unleash a wave of stupidity on anyone or anything remotely near me. But before we had a chance to begin, New York Girl's mother and father came to sit with us.
 
I was beyond hammered so I really didn't give a flying fuck about these two geriatrics and what they thought or said but CG13 wanted to slip New York Girl the business so he humoured them for awhile. I just said the stupidest things I could think of and watched the mother’s reactions. She could have kicked my ass if she wanted to and I think she may have even threatened me. This went on for too long so we just grabbed our booze and went down to the beach. This was a bad idea. The ocean was lit by moonlight so it was pretty much pitch black outside. Instead of chilling on the beach, CG13 convinced me to go for a swim. Sure! Why Not? We had our swim suits so we just dove into the dark water filled with jagged rocks. CG13, like the hero he is, swam waaaaay the fuck out while I stayed closer to the shore. At one point I got spooked, because I was horribly drunk and have a very twisted imagination, and swam back to land to wait for him. I waited a long time but he never came back. At this point I was lying on the sand, smearing myself with it and throwing it around while yelling CG13's name at the top of my lungs. I was sure he drowned.
 
After what felt like an eternity, he came back and we went back to our rooms, but not before splashing around in the kiddie pool like a bunch of troubled weirdos at 5am. When I got to my room, I realised I didn't have the key to get in. The Ukraine was sleeping and didn't answer the door so I had to go into CG13's room and shower off the sand I was rolling around in for roughly an hour. I was about to step into the shower when I heard a door open and close in the hallway. I thought the Ukraine might've actually woken up and checked to see who was outside. I darted into the hallway, first making sure the door to CG13's room wouldn't lock on me, and went to see if my room's door was open. It wasn't, shit! I made my way back to CG13's room wearing nothing but a towel, full of sand and sleepy drunk. The door had fucking locked itself. Super. I had successfully locked myself out of two rooms and had to take the walk of shame down to the front desk to ask for a key to my room.
 
People in the hotel were waking up at this point and I was one of the first things they had the pleasure of seeing in the morning; a disgruntled drunk, wearing nothing but a towel, full of sand, smiling like a jackass, desperately trying to convince the guys at the front desk that I did indeed have a room at the Oasis. I went to bed at 530 am and woke up a few hours later to a sandstorm of a bed. There was sand everywhere, even on my eyelids. This amused the Ukraine, I was pissed because I would be sleeping in a sand pit for the next few days.