The Double Whammy
Introducing “The Real Deal”
The internet is a funny thing. Free internet dating sites are an entirely different level of funny. It's more what you call 'fucking hilarious'. I was introduced to this new realm of e-mingling by my good friend from high school who since lives in Ottawa; MCF. He was installing gas heating at the time and his work partner 'Harvey' would rant and rave about this online dating site called plentyoffish.com. Two seconds to sign up, it's free and he's fucking a different girl every week. Somehow this site was just a secret haven of unsatisfied women looking to get jack-hammered by men with only the most basic of qualities. You put up a picture, write two quick lines of BS about how you're looking for “the one” and just like that you've got a healthy selection of pathetic women to choose from.
So MCF, being the noble and dignified friend that he is, passed on this information to me and suggested that I try it out. Skeptical at first, but after having seen a picture of Harvey, I realized that if he could do it - fuck it so could I. I wasn't a mental deficient though so there was no way I was going to put my fucking picture up on an internet dating site with my location as Montreal so that some pigheaded mule from high school could stumble across my page and advertise it through the medium of Facebook to everyone I hold dear.
So I got an idea. I'd put my location as Ottawa, do some quick recon on the e-hoes that crave the shlong out there and then, when I drop in to party it up with MCF, I'd meet up with whatever prospect I deemed worthy and plough her to next July. A simple plan and actually quite clever. Of course I'd have to use all of my cunning to lie to these girls about where I lived, went to school, and so on, but I'd been to Ottawa so many times that I was confident I could come up with the details of my imaginary world. So I join, throw up a picture, write something about finding the girl for me and I'm good to go. I spend a good 15 minutes surfing around peoples profiles and am actually stunned at the sheer amount of average or better girls that were using this site. I log off and forget about it for a few days.
The next time I log on I see that I have several messages in my profile inbox. Before I get too excited I immediately notice that two of them are from girls that weigh at least two hundred pounds. The personal messages they had sent me both went along the lines of “hey how r u” and I wondered if any self-appreciating man ever actually took the time to write back to girls like these. For a moment I actually felt bad for them. I mean what do you do when the opposite sex don't even respond to you on a free internet dating site built specifically for society's rejects such as yourselves? I block them. The other two were alright so I add them to msn. Now this is the part that some of my friends don't understand. They don't get how I can write meaningless shit back and forth on msn with people I don’t know while I'm on the net doing a million other things. I see it as the easiest way on earth to plant seeds. All it takes is a couple of random 5 minute intervals of meaningless back and forth banter, and this is interpreted as being a nice and decent guy. Bring up sex after a conversation or two and wham, they want it. It IS that simple. At least with horny, gullible internet girls.
Anyways this one girl, 'Psycho Chick' (aha! this is what we call; foreshadowing), is talking to me and I'm explaining to her how I've lived in Ottawa my whole life but occasionally do stints of work in Montreal as part of my job. No great detail is required, she just buys it. Before I even remember her first name offhand this girl wants to bang. I'm liking this plentyoffish idea. She sends me videos of her laying out her lingerie on her bed and asks what I want her to wear when we hang out. I choose a nice lace ensemble that really speaks to me through her homemade video. A few weeks later I drive down to have a party weekend with MCF, so I go to his place to drop off my stuff. I text Psycho Chick and she gets a lift to a grocery store a block away. I tell MCF my plan and how without ever meeting this girl, there is absolutely no way that I don’t end up banging her. He laughs and calls me weird. I think I'm a genius. We walk and meet the girl. No nasty 250 pound surprises thank god (thank youuuu Facebook and tagged pictures) and bring her back to the house for some pre-drinking. As we're tossing down irregular amounts of alcohol as fast as we can, she's laughing at our jokes (we're hilarious) and making the occasional thigh grab which further confirms all systems go. MCF's bud and a cool dude I had met several times before, 'Math', swings up to the house with two other boys and we take off for downtown with Psycho Chick sitting on my lap. We hop around a few Irish pubs before we make our way to the final destination; Barrymore's; my favorite bar in Ottawa. Thursdays and Sundays are the nights where that place gets packed for potential. It was a Sunday. Before going in we meet up with two of Psycho Chick's friends 'Frenchie' and 'Shortie'. Average chicks. Bangable. Especially if I’m half in the tank already. We go in.
Psycho Chick grabs me and brings me to the bar. I'm actually slightly upset that I have to hang around her all night and am upset that I didn’t plan to meet her at 3am somewhere. She probably wouldn’t have been down with that but fuck, there was just so much going on in the bar that I was angry I had to stay glued to someone that was already in the bag from even before 'hello'.
I order shots and I guess she was trying to impress me because she tried to go shot for shot with me and that wasn't a great idea. She was drunkenly dancing all over me as I was just hoping that she didn’t fall on her face (I would have been embarrassed by association). I end up leaving her with her friends and head off to bleed the lizard. When I return I see that Frenchie’s helping Psycho Chick up after what looks like she fell on the stairs. Great. Her going comatose from booze was the one way that I wouldn’t be able to seal the deal. I walk up and she's already crying and telling me how she's so happy to see me but that she twisted her ankle in the fall. The whole scene caused a stir apparently since a bouncer promptly came over, took a look at Psycho Chick and kicked her out. Fuuuuuck.
I go outside with her and her friends and she's pretty much hysterical at this point and in what looks to be some considerable pain. She wants me to leave with her. Fuck that. There's no place I can bring her, I have no car. She lives further from downtown than MCF and taking a cab would be moronic. No, it would have been downright desperate. I tell her I'm going to go back in to try to find MCF and Math and instruct Frenchie and Shortie to bring her somewhere and get her water. I go back inside and continue partying, fuck that noise. An hour later the calls start.
'Oh yeah sorry, I'll be right out' I tell her.
30 minutes later another call. I'm just impressed that she's still trying. “I'm getting my coat” I tell her. By then it's almost 2am and closing time, which has always sucked for me (bars close at 3am in Montreal), so I get MCF and we go outside.
Math has bounced already so it's just us. We go right nextdoor to Barrymore's at some random pub and see the girls in a booth. Psycho Chick is there drinking water and has wrapped her ankle with something. Good job, Frenchie and Shortie - you may not be useless after all. We have 20 minutes before closing so we grab some pitchers. Frenchie starts flirting with MCF and when Shortie realizes she's the odd one out, she heads off. We get a Taxi back to MCF’s since we have no other option. MCF sits in the front and I end up in the middle of the back. On the half hour drive back to the house Psycho Chick and MCF pass out so I just start flirting with Frenchie and some groping starts before we get to the place. Whatever. Once inside, I head downstairs to the basement with Psycho Chick and MC Face heads upstairs with Frenchie. I lay the pipe on the pull out couch with Psycho Chick and when I finish I head up to the main floor for some water.
Of course I didn't bother to put clothes back on because it’s like 4am and nobody should be awake. Especially not MCF's mom who yes, believe it or not, sleeps up on the second floor. So right at the top of the stairs as I'm crossing the hallway to make it to the kitchen I see someone out of my right peripheral sitting in the family room about 20 feet away. Oh fuck! It's MCF's mom isn’t it!! I almost shat myself.
“Hey”, I hear.
Not his mom's voice. I look over and it's Frenchie, sitting on a chair in one of MCF's shirts but otherwise naked.
“Uhh hey, what’s up with you?” I ask her.
“Not much, MCF passed out upstairs so I'm just chilling” she says
“Ahh that sucks” sirens are ringing in my head,
“Let's hang out then” I say.
So I go over, she stands up and we start making out. She stops me and asks about Psycho Chick. Knowing the cardinal rule that girls tend to have when it comes to guys that one of them have slept with I say,
“Yeah she passed out too, looks like she can't hold her alcohol”
“You're sure you guys didn't do it” she asks
“Absolutely”
And that's all it took. We immediately start going at it right there on the floor of MCF's family room, the carpet effectively tearing my knees to shreds. I tried to minimize the burns by tossing Frenchie onto this big pillow that happened to be on the ground and it helped a bit. But the ENTIRE time I had to be covering her mouth because this girl was screaming like none other and the fucking last thing in the motherfucking world I wanted was for MCF's mother to come downstairs to investigate and catch me, bleeding knees and all, banging some chick on the floor of her house. And she's definitely come down to check on us after our drunken escapades before, so this was a real fear I had to deal with. I insist we take the party outside and literally bang the girl on MCF's porch, facing numerous other townhouses. We tried in my car as well but it was a two door hatchback and the physics just didn’t work out. After we were done she gave her number, told me to call her next time I was in town and that at her place we could be as loud as we wanted to be. Enticing offer. She then hopped on a bus and took off for an early work shift. I went back to the basement and crashed hard. Before passing out I send out this text to a select few of my MTL buddies;
"Oct 27th 2008 4:11am
Oh man I just fucked one girl, she passed out so I went upstairs and fucked her
friend all over MC Face's house for the past two hours. Craziest shit ever"
The next day Psycho Chick and I wake up and I rail her again. The entire morning I'm smiling at what I pulled off and how clueless the two best friends were. We drop Psycho Chick off and I tell her I'll call her. Suuuuuure thing. I tell MCF the story and he bursts out laughing, which causes me to follow suit. We're both almost in tears and he says,
“That pillow in my family room is Jake's bed man, hahahahahhaa you sick fuck!!!”
Jake is his dog, his old dog that sheds and was starting to lose control of his bowel and urine functions. I fucked Frenchie on a dirty dog's bed. We spend the next hour going over every detail of the previous night and laughing our asses off until our abs hurt, with the dog bed part being MCF's favorite. What a night.
But Real Deal, why did you choose to call that girl 'Psycho Chick'. Well. Here's why. About a month afterwards, I'm working my retail sales job at an electronics store and I get a text. It's from Psycho Chick. I wondered what the fuck this retard could want after I had successfully not spoken to her since that faithful night.
"Hey, I missed my period. I think I'm pregnant"
My heart sank and I immediately started sweating. I go on break and run outside to get some fresh air. I try to get details. She says she’s freaking out. I start to consider suicide. What the fuck?!?! Man, there is no way this is happening. Since when do condoms fuck up? Hell, I was even extra careful and pulled out WITH the condom before I came. This was not happening. Especially not with some dumbass girl I could give a fuck less about in another city two hours away. I start to wonder how I can cut this girl off. Fucking Facebook, she knows my full name. FUCK. Then she tells me she hasn't taken a pregnancy test yet. WELL HELLO DUMBFUCK, GO TAKE ONE. She says she will.
The next few days I am completely out of it mentally as I try to figure out my options. Fuck it, I'm legally obligated to pay for this kid but I will have nothing to do with it. I HATED that girl, there was no way I was throwing my entire life under the bus for her. Double standard? Yes. Care? I did not.
I consult friends, (NO family) and get their opinions. My friend DMilz convinces me she's not pregnant. He says she likes me and is faking it. I text her days after she dropped this bombshell and still she hasn't taken the test. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WAITING FOR??? Another week passes and I text her nonstop to fucking take it. Here's the response I get finally,
“Oh, I already did”
THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SLUT, WHATS THE FUCKING RESULT?!?!
“Well obviously it’s not positive or I would have told you.”
Ughhhh if that girl lived in my city I would have hunted her down and thrown her into
the river. What a dumb bitch.
I never found out if she knew I fucked her best friend. I never found out if she knew all along that she wasn't pregnant. I did bump into her a year later in a bar out near MCF's. She called me an asshole yet wouldn't stop following me around. She eventually asks me to go home with her. WOW, yeah fucking right I'd rather stick my dick in a grinder thank you very much. Luckily one of MCF's smokin' hot friends came over and pretended to be with me all night until Psycho Chick got the message and fucked off.
The funny thing?
Someone somewhere will marry that cunt one day. At some point Psycho Chick will probably be a mother. I'm just thankful I'm two hours away.