New Year’s Eve Debauchery
As has become the tradition, every New Year's Eve we party at BrownTown's place. His basement wields a deadly bar, he empties out the knick knacks and the breakables and we just throw 'er down like the booze hungry fiends we are. Usually anywhere between 20-30 people show up and we just get totally twisted until the early hours of the morning. It may sound dull that we do the same thing every year but I would rather die than have to deal with downtown traffic and crowded open bars while fighting off ruthless drunks for the only cabbie left in the civilized world at 5 am. Instead, I get hammered at Chateau BrownTown and let the good times roll. 2006 was especially retarded because Cinbad, BrownTown's girlfriend, spiked the punch bowl leading to a series of unfortunate drunken events.
This year, we decided to class up the party a little to avoid all out stupidity like the previous years; 2005 ended with me shirtless and belligerent somewhere between 4 and 6 am. We made it semi-formal with a sort of potluck. Everyone brought food, we were dressed well, it appeared like this may not turn out to be a complete gong show after all, just a laid back party. Wrong. Smack dab in the middle of our impressive buffet was the punch bowl. That little fucker condensed 4-5 hours of drinking into 1. I don't know what the hell CinBad did but she made that punch absolutely lethal. Also, one of Portugal's buddies, GMan, was making crazy cocktails behind the bar and everyone was pretty much drunk before we started eating. I had bought a bottle of Wild Turkey Whiskey and was dabbling in that as much as possible on the side.
Among the guests were BrownTown and CinBad, Ukraine and his girlfriend Ram, Portugal and his girlfriend Shawnee, LeeLee and her then fiancée, GMan and BrownTown's cousin, The Cousin. The rest of the gang would be by later but for the time being, this was all that was there. We had arranged for a mini-gift exchange. This was supposed to help sober us up as the food didn't soak up any of the booze we had taken down. I ended up swilling that evil punch throughout the exchange, spiralling into a deadly inebriated state, and, I even received a Princess kit, which I immediately put on. We were all piss fucked at this point and it was only in the 10:30 neighbourhood. The Real Deal, DMilz and his girlfriend Lizzie, along with Gonads the Barbarian and some of the French Connection showed up in time to score some food and polish off that fucking punch.
New Years rolled on by. We chanted with that corpse doing his New Years countdown on NBC, popped a few bottles of Champagne, hugged and kissed our loved ones (I had none at the time so I just drank a lot of Champagne. At least she'd never betray me). Then it all went to hell. It's as if we all tried our hardest to just make it to midnight before unleashing madness. Well, that's what I did. After the countdown, the sauce was literally flying around the house. Everyone was pummelling anything and everything they could get their hands on. People kept popping in and they were literally a blur to me. I don't have the faintest idea who or what I saw that night.
Eventually we started dropping like flies. Portugal was ripped to the tits and was the first to bite the bullet. He couldn't even get his shoes on. He kept claiming they were broken because he was putting his foot on top of the tongue of his running shoe rather than underneath. It was quite a spectacle and I was in stitches as my slobbering drunk friend was viciously cursing out his shoes. The French Connection took off to another party, GMan left with Portugal, Shawnee, LeeLee and her fiancée. DMilz took off with Lizzie and The Ukraine also fucked off with his woman. By this time, it was 3 am and the rest of us were on our last legs. Gonads the Barbarian took a liking to The Cousin and had the decency to ask permission if he could slip her the business. BrownTown declined.
By 4am it was only me, BrownTown, Gonads the Barbarian and The Cousin left over. The Cousin was completely wasted. She was rolling her bottle at the bar, speaking pure, unfiltered gibberish and challenging anyone around that she could drink them to the ground. BrownTown gave me the "please help me out and crush this girl so we can go to bed" look and I, being the drunken saviour, obliged. I quickly went outside and forced myself to puke to make room for the beer. I know, but it had to be done, for the greater good. The next morning I regretted it as I had to go hose it away, but that night it felt brilliant. With my new found drinking space, I drank 5 beers in about 15 minutes to her 2 (one she spilled all over the bar but we didn't have the heart to tell her).
The challenge ended when she toppled off the bar-stool and realised we were all in our boxers. Gonads the Barbarian and I finished the night up doing drunken gymnastics. The next morning was fucking terrible. I had to hose away the monstrosity I left outside the house (puke shows on snow FYI, I thought I was sneaky, turns out I'm an idiot). I was dressed in only my coat since the rest of my clothes were MIA for awhile. We had Mimosa’s that morning but that could never fix the horrors of the last night. I walked home looking like some kind of degenerate freak in public and in front of my Italian grandparents, who force fed me wine and food for the next 6 hours as they anxously waited for me to come home. Somehow I managed to keep it all down, maybe there really is a God that favours me. But probably not.