The Intoxicator
It was a Monday evening in mid-September and I was over at BrownTown's knocking a few back in the backyard on his deck. I had just started my second year of Cegep and the semester was a few weeks in. It was a normal afternoon; finish class, jump on the bus to my buddies place and have a few beers. BrownTown's little brother WeedBoy was in town and I hadn't seen the little bastard in a while so a few beers turned into a few more beers and then even more beers. By 9 o'clock, WeedBoy's friends came over with a giant beer bong...this thing was fucking huge and scrawled along the side of it in big black letters was "THE INTOXICATOR"
This was the most horrifying beer bong I had ever seen! It was massive! By God let's load the fucker up and hammer down a shot! BrownTown went first (I think) then I took a hit. Even after five or six years I still remember it being absolutely delicious, incredibly inviting. So we immediately loaded up another one and had at it again. Jesus Lord this was amazing! Then one of WeedBoy's friends took a big hit and this is where the night went to complete and utter shit.
This cocky little bastard took two beers at once then gave me and BrownTown a triumphant look. Did this under aged little fool just do what I think he did? Did he challenge me and BrownTown to some kind of drinking competition? Probably not but we took it as a challenge anyway. We loaded THE INTOXICATOR up with double beers and had at it. Awesome! Again! Two more beers each for me and BrownTown. Then another two and then we were out of beer.
Keep in mind we had eight beers in the span of about half an hour, not to mention the beers we had before this mess began. We were pretty cooked but no matter! We had to drive to the Depanneur up the street and get another case of beer. I think BrownTown drove, I'm not sure anymore. Anyway, we got another case of beer and went right back to the beer bong. This time we were heroes. Fuck two beers, that's for pansies, not seasoned veterans like us. We'll step it up to three beers! So we load the bastard up and have at it and sure enough we nail three down each. We are Gods of drink! Nothing can stop us....except four beers at once. I went first for this one and took about half of it before running to the banister and throwing up everything that had happened in the previous hour or so. Eleven beers blew out of me like Krakatau.
That was it. BrownTown was spiralling into a horrible drunk and I was pissed as a fart. BrownTown’s older brother OneLove was in the basement with his buddies having a poker game and I decided to go and shower them with my good form and unique humour. I ended up nearly picking a fight with one of the friends and barely avoided being tied to a chair and left on the side of St-Charles Blvd. I then turned my drunken stupidity towards my mother, which I called and berated mercilessly for no reason. To this day she refuses to tell me what I said but my friends were more than happy to fill in the blanks and it turns out I'm a pretty rotten son.
Throughout all this, BrownTown was dead in the upstairs bathroom. He had been face first in the toilet bowl unleashing everything his small frame could possibly release. He was lying on his stomach by the toilet when I got to him. For reasons I cannot ever truly understand, I told him off like he'd just fucked my wife. The next day he would tell me the only thing he remembered from the last night was me yelling at him and him apologizing just to get me away. At this point, I was pretty much told it was time to go home as I was successfully causing anarchy and chaos everywhere I went in the house.
So off I went, into the streets on a half-hour walk home. I blacked out during the walk and woke up early the next morning on top of Wal-Mart’s roof, up the street from my house. How I got up there is a mystery. So were the rocks that were stuck in my hands and the gaping wounds and scratches I had on my shoulders and back. I think I fought a bush, I don’t know. I climbed down and walked the rest of the way home (in a boat load of pain) where a nasty note from my mother was waiting for me. I didn't go to any of my classes that day, I just pretty much sat in my backyard and nursed a terrible headache and my damaged dignity. BrownTown passed by later on to see how I was doing and also gave me the news that OneLove had banned me from the house for a week. This was the first time anyone had ever been banned from this home, which back then was genuine nightly shitshow. I was honoured.