Attack of the Spanish Hookers
This past summer I traveled around Europe with The Real Deal. We hit eleven cities in a month and it was insane. We got wasted every night, partied with people from all over the world and saw the absolute most ridiculous sights we had ever seen. Yes, it was quite the adventure. Our last city was Barcelona aka retarded party city rampant with thieves and whores. This story happened our last night in Barca.
The Real Deal and I wanted this to be a real shit-show. It was our last night of the trip, we needed to go out in fucking style baby! We joined a pub-crawl (which we almost missed because we're idiots) to get the utmost drunk we possibly could. It worked out pretty well. The bar hopping was alright, the best bar by far was called Esprit Chupitaso. It was a shot bar we were told to check out by some friends. Their menu was a whole wall, it was nuts and dirt cheap. If ever you go to Barcelona, it's on Calle Colon facing the Harbor, do it, and you’ll regret nothing (we went every night we were in Barca). We had this one shot, I think it was called was El Gato (not to be confused with El Gato Negro, which was a terrible shot) and it was madness.
The barkeep pours this green alcohol into a bowl, and then places a shot glass into the bowl with another shot glass upside down on top of the first. He then lights the bowl on fire which makes the alcohol in the bowl shoot up into the shot glasses. You are handed a straw and told to suck out the booze from the shot glass. As you're drinking through a straw the barkeep sticks a cloth into the other shot glass that was upside down, trapping the fumes from the initial flame burst inside. Once you polish off the shot with your straw, you are told to stick the straw into the shot glass with the cloth and suck like you've never sucked before (Editor's note-TeeHee). Once you finish sucking in the fumes, you cough like a bastard, your eyes tear up and you are fucking drunk. It was insane.
Anyways we end up getting pretty drunk during the pub-crawl but our greasy, peace of shit guide abandoned us before we could get into the club of the night. The Real Deal's buddy from Dublin, LittleIrish, was in town visiting his brother and we said we'd try and hook up with them at whatever club they were at. Their plans fell through so we just decided to meet up at Burger King on De La Rambla Street which at night is known as Pilfering Hooker Street. We ate, met up with LittleIrish and his brother and decided we would just chill out in the streets drinking 1 Euro beers from these dodgy Indian street vendors. These guys walked around with six packs in plastic bags and sold beer and, in a more subtle voice "crack, cocaine, marijuana heroin". So we're leaving Burger King and all of a sudden, I am attacked.
The moment I stepped out of the burger joint, three hookers jumped on me. They were cooing sweet nothings into my ear, touching me all over. We had heard a lot of stories of theft by these prostitutes, shamelessly touching you and then lifting your wallet. I had two things going for me, first I had zero dollars on me so there was nothing to steal and secondly, I was wearing these gay European jeans I bought in Prague and they were the tightest jeans in the world (Shut-up! I was desperate). My balls are still aching to this day. Anyway, these three whores are touching me up and I'm just laughing and saying "No" and "No thank you”. They wouldn't leave me alone. They were pulling me, patting me up and down like I was armed, telling me I was sexy and that they'd fuck my brains out, blow me until my head blew up and all kinds of other whore talk. My three friends were cracking up at this scene and I understood why, it was ridiculous. Even people on the street were laughing at me.
I finally shook the prostitutes a block away from the initial contact. I still couldn't believe what happened, I was used to the quiet "looking for a good time, stud?" type thing, not "I will fuck you so hard your nipples will fall off and your ears will bleed." After that spectacle, we just got completely annihilated with these 1 Euro beers and had a bottle thrown at us from a window because of the racket we were making. We got to bed at 6am, woke up before 9am, still hammered, to catch our nine hour flight back home. It was the perfect way to cap off the Eurotrip.
Ah, I miss those pushy whores.