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Welcome to my world of being a complete drunken idiot.
The Stories
Cuban Consumption Crisis II
After a few days of ripping the beach and getting piss drunk around the resort, we all decided to try out one of the local clubs. There were club promotions scattered around the bars so we just chose one people at the resort claimed was alright. We handed, what appeared to be a Cuban club promoter, $20 American each and he gave us back a bracelet he claimed granted us access to unlimited alcohol. We’ll see about that you thieving swindler I remember thinking. I was sure he was readying himself for a dash down the hall after we handed him the cash. He stayed and surprisingly, the son of a bitch bastard was honest. There was alcohol to my hearts content which led me down the path of drunken stupidity and outright humiliation.
Cuban Consumption Crisis
Four years ago I went to Cuba with BrownTown, The Ukraine and my now ex-girlfriend MJK. Why would I bring my girlfriend on a trip like this while my friends left their girlfriends at home? Because I got fucked, that's why. Initially we were all supposed to go with our women but their chicks cancelled on them and mine refused to take a hint. It didn't affect anything. I still wound up getting totaled and acting like an inebriated buffoon for the better part of the trip but still, it would have been sheer madness had it been just the boys. Having said that, the first day we landed at our resort (editor's note; do not go to the Villa Cuba resort, it was a slum) we unpacked our belongings and made our way to the bar.
Dangerous Happy Hour Leads to Unfortunate Situations for the General Public
A few weeks ago was St-Patty's day weekend which meant the entire world united and drank dangerous amounts of alcohol while dressed up as leprechauns. It culminated on Sunday when the parade hit the streets of Montreal in an impressive public display of degenerative behaviour. This was not the case for me since God fucking hates me and robbed me of electricity during the night, which made me miss my early morning alarm and the parade. But I'm not here to point fingers, instead I'll tell you about the stupidity I was embroiled in the Friday night of that magical weekend, which might have rivalled anything I could have pulled off that Sunday.
World Class Smuggler & Eventual Buffoon
Almost every time I go watch the Canadiens play (they're a hockey team for those who are confused) at the Bell center, it's more or less a given that I get completely mangled. I don't necessarily have the mindset to go out and swill like a jackass, it just seems to happen. Just go through "The Drunk Tank Beckons" story and you'll get a better picture. This fateful night was no different as I, The Real Deal, Dimsum and DMilz embarked on an early evening drink-a-thon which resulted in me waking up genuinely confused and scrambling to get to work on time in the morning while still battling a heavy drunken stupor.
The Cancun Chronicles I
A few years ago, the fellas and I organized a trip to Cancun. Somehow we managed to get 8 of us, despite work and educational commitments, to fly out to Mexico together and embark on a heavy drinking extravaganza for an entire week. Among the eight were The Real Deal, DMilz, Dimsum, CG13, the Ukraine, NardStar, MCF and myself. We booked rooms at the Oasis Cancun which was rumoured to be the shit-show destination for savage drunks and all around depraved behaviour. We pretty much got destroyed every night but only a few of the stories will be showcased here for reasons I refuse to discuss. It's a miracle I remember anything at all after the mental and physical abuse I put my body and brain cells through. This episode happened about halfway through the trip.
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The Cancun Chronicles II
After a full week of complete and utter disregard for our personal health, questionable hygiene and the never-ending battle with the locals and their need to be tipped for simply letting us breathe, our trip was coming to an end. It was the last day of freedom and we were all pretty wrecked so we just lounged around the beach/pool, taking it easy and avoiding getting hammered since we had to be up pretty early to catch our bus to the airport the next morning. We had a nice supper, with limited beer, followed by casual drinks at the Sports Bar in the evening. Everything was going well, no one was drunk, it looked like we may actually have pulled off our plan of intermediate sobriety. Then, for reasons that remain unclear to me, I made an abrupt u-turn in any logical thought and began a torrid drinking pace which ended poorly for everyone involved.
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