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Welcome to my world of being a complete drunken idiot.
The Stories
Extreme Canada Day Inebriation
I love National holidays because you get a day off work (paid if they’re not dicks about it) and the entire country usually holds hands and gets all fucked up together. Except maybe in Québec, things aren’t as easy going over here. Every year on July 1st (for those who don’t know when Canada Day is) my buddies and I join forces and get completely trashed and it usually turns out to be an absolute shit-show. The venues change from year to year, a few years ago we partied in Ottawa with Jim Lahey and Randy of Trailer Park Boys, but the general ideology is to drink as many beers as you can and stumble around yelling incoherently and hugging strangers. The summer of 2004 was no different.
Cuban Consumption Crisis II
After a few days of ripping the beach and getting piss drunk around the resort, we all decided to try out one of the local clubs. There were club promotions scattered around the bars so we just chose one people at the resort claimed was alright. We handed, what appeared to be a Cuban club promoter, $20 American each and he gave us back a bracelet he claimed granted us access to unlimited alcohol. We’ll see about that you thieving swindler I remember thinking. I was sure he was readying himself for a dash down the hall after we handed him the cash. He stayed and surprisingly, the son of a bitch bastard was honest. There was alcohol to my hearts content which led me down the path of drunken stupidity and outright humiliation.
Cuban Consumption Crisis
Four years ago I went to Cuba with BrownTown, The Ukraine and my now ex-girlfriend MJK. Why would I bring my girlfriend on a trip like this while my friends left their girlfriends at home? Because I got fucked, that's why. Initially we were all supposed to go with our women but their chicks cancelled on them and mine refused to take a hint. It didn't affect anything. I still wound up getting totaled and acting like an inebriated buffoon for the better part of the trip but still, it would have been sheer madness had it been just the boys. Having said that, the first day we landed at our resort (editor's note; do not go to the Villa Cuba resort, it was a slum) we unpacked our belongings and made our way to the bar.
Dangerous Happy Hour Leads to Unfortunate Situations for the General Public
A few weeks ago was St-Patty's day weekend which meant the entire world united and drank dangerous amounts of alcohol while dressed up as leprechauns. It culminated on Sunday when the parade hit the streets of Montreal in an impressive public display of degenerative behaviour. This was not the case for me since God fucking hates me and robbed me of electricity during the night, which made me miss my early morning alarm and the parade. But I'm not here to point fingers, instead I'll tell you about the stupidity I was embroiled in the Friday night of that magical weekend, which might have rivalled anything I could have pulled off that Sunday.
World Class Smuggler & Eventual Buffoon
Almost every time I go watch the Canadiens play (they're a hockey team for those who are confused) at the Bell center, it's more or less a given that I get completely mangled. I don't necessarily have the mindset to go out and swill like a jackass, it just seems to happen. Just go through "The Drunk Tank Beckons" story and you'll get a better picture. This fateful night was no different as I, The Real Deal, Dimsum and DMilz embarked on an early evening drink-a-thon which resulted in me waking up genuinely confused and scrambling to get to work on time in the morning while still battling a heavy drunken stupor.
The Cancun Chronicles I
A few years ago, the fellas and I organized a trip to Cancun. Somehow we managed to get 8 of us, despite work and educational commitments, to fly out to Mexico together and embark on a heavy drinking extravaganza for an entire week. Among the eight were The Real Deal, DMilz, Dimsum, CG13, the Ukraine, NardStar, MCF and myself. We booked rooms at the Oasis Cancun which was rumoured to be the shit-show destination for savage drunks and all around depraved behaviour. We pretty much got destroyed every night but only a few of the stories will be showcased here for reasons I refuse to discuss. It's a miracle I remember anything at all after the mental and physical abuse I put my body and brain cells through. This episode happened about halfway through the trip.
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Stories From
Archive
- August 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009